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Time Lapse Drawing

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May I recommend… The Gauntlet (not ours)

If you have made it this far in following BottomlessWit and have not checked out Rooster Teeth and Achievement Hunter… how?

Matt and I use to do a small series called we called the gauntlet. One day over a year ago we saw an announcement from Rooster Teeth promoting their new show called… The Gauntlet. Hearts were crushed because we knew we couldn’t keep the name knowing that a lot of our followers came from RT and that would just create confusion.

Well season one happened. Needless to say I felt it left a lot to be desired. I was critical in their forums but felt there was potential. Season two just finished and it was awesome. Let me just say watch the first three episodes.

The first two are just laying the ground work but you get a feel for the comedic element. In episode three all the action real gets going. You can view the first episode below and all of them right here.

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Better With A Beard

I have had a little back and forth with having a beard. I don’t always want one. Of course, I will then shave and think “you know what would be kinda cool? Growing my beard back.” It always interests me if people lean more one way or another and I try to figure out why. I am pretty indifferent but tend to side with whatever the female in my life prefers. When single I lean beard just so a girl won’t have an issue if I decide to sport a beard.

When you have a beard... this just feels true.

When you have a beard… this just feels true.

Just to note – I have a beard am not planning on shaving. I have a new philosophy. If I start asking if I should shave then I just shave. In my past indecision someone brought to my attention the better with a beard Tumblr which should have sold me immediately. Beard loving ladies… you’re welcome.

Beard humor… or science is some of my favorite. I figured I would share.

All seems right to me.

All seems right to me.

This one hit a little close to home. That being said, no girl has ever "made" me shave.

This one hit a little close to home. That being said, no girl has ever “made” me shave.

Check out the beard rubbing action in the background.

Check out the beard rubbing action in the background.

Science...

Science…

Ok. The beards have it.

Ok. The beards have it.

The first four images were all things I have found around reddit. Gotta love the internet. Beards and cats win.

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You’re Part of the Problem

On Thanksgiving I saw plenty of ranting facebook messages, tweets and blogs pointing out that if you went Black Friday shopping on Thursday then you are part of the problem. Let me start by saying I didn’t go shopping on Thursday. Let me also say that I understand people are coming from a good place when they are accusing people causing others to work on Thanksgiving. Let me also point out the old saying “when you point one finger you have three pointing right back at you.”

An example of what I am talking about...

An example of what I am talking about…

Black Friday is weird. People beating up people for perceived deals. Am I out there on the front lines? Nope. Do I judge people who are? Probably. More so I don’t really understand it. But I don’t blame them for others having to work. I worked in a television uplink facility for three years. I have worked on major holiday. Why? Because people need their TV on holidays. Needless to say I get annoyed when people start ranting about how Thursday shoppers are part of the problem.

I am not saying I want to do this...

I am not saying I want to do this…

Those same people ranting about how people have to work on Thanksgiving will also say how sitting at home and watching football is a family tradition. People do know that television is not magic, right? Things don’t just magically appear on a screen. It isn’t just television, I know. I am sure there are thousands of 24/7/365 jobs. Nurses, doctors, engineers, police, fire fighters, private security, radio, building doormen… I can keep going. Not to mention all the jobs that just need someone to come in on the day. I worked as a kennel attendant at a vet in High School and worked major holidays.

When you take these positions you know that there is a chance you could work a holiday or even an overnight shift. Stop placing blame on people for buying things. Someone in line for four hours to buy a TV has their own issues. They are not the ones who ruined someone else’s Thanksgiving.

If you want to keep complaining about these things then the only way I will take you seriously is if you spend all of Thanksgiving in the cold and the dark. Then I will say you probably aren’t being hypocritical.

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Something I realized…

When I have been making my lists and basically being a dumb dumb for my own entertainment, I realized something.

In the world of Looney Tunes, where are all the female characters? I mean I know cartoons pretty well and I don’t believe there is really a mainstream female character. Well maybe you are yelling “Mikey how can you forget about Tweety”?

...uh surprise.

…uh surprise.

Yeah so Tweety is not a female. Tweety is a boy. Well a male. A male bird. TWEETY IS A DUDE OK! Which has always caught me off guard. There is one episode entitled “Ain’t She Tweet” but alas there are numerous examples of Tweety “dude bro-ing” out. Sorry ladies.

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLA.

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLA.

In the later years, thanks to Space Jam, you got Lola. She starts off all tough and as the best basketball player in the world of Looney Tunes. Of course, in time she falls for the charms of Bugs. Was I the only one who was a little disappointed there wasn’t an appearance of Babs and Buster bunny. I did love my Tiny Toons but I digress. I don’t even know what that means. I am probably saying “I dance like no one is watching.” Anyway, does Lola really count? She wasn’t in the regular Looney Tunes episodes. I am not sure they would really ever show her without Bugs.

Oh my sweet Penelope.

Oh my sweet Penelope.

Well there is also the lovely Penelope. Yes, another cat. I guess it counts. If you think about a female character that doesn’t talk and for a majority of her time is getting attacked and molested by a skunk. She is pretty adorable though. I do have one more…

GRANNY!

GRANNY!

Yes! Granny! A female character that speaks, doesn’t get harassed and doesn’t end up falling for Bugs. At least I don’t think she does. I imagine her with more of a silver fox rather than a grey bunny. HA! Man (or Woman) I am hilarious.

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Hey Man… Want To Hang Out?

I picked a football team and I have talked about what cartoon food I would eat but now we need to discuss a simple question. Who the hell would I hang out with? I would throw a shout to Doug “the everyman” Funni or Hey! “I know that guy.. he is just like me” Arnold but I think it would just be too normal. Does that make sense? I know they are cartoon characters but it just seems like it wouldn’t be that much different than hanging with myself… which I do. All the time.

Bugs "I don't give a F***" Bunny

Bugs “I don’t give a F***” Bunny

One of my first instincts was to reach for Bugs Bunny. He is the epitome of cool. He seems to always be a step ahead of everyone else. He balled with MJ. Not me. Michael Jordan. I know you were confused. It’s ok. It happens. All of a sudden I realized something. Bugs isn’t really a team guy. I seem him as the equivalent of Justin Timberlake. Yeah, he can work in a group setting but he steals the show. He doesn’t need anyone else but it is cool when he collaborates from time to time. I feel like hanging with Bugs would be a lot of me getting in his way. It’s cool Bugs you go do your own thing. I DON’T NEED YOU!

Daffy "so original he may just be f'ing crazy" Duck

Daffy “so original he may just be f’ing crazy” Duck

When I thought of Bugs I also thought of Daffy. I thought “if I was going to Vegas I think I would have to pick Daffy.” The guy/duck is crazy. How could you not have fun with him? Well unless he went a little too crazy… If Bugs is JT then does that make Daffy someone like Britney Spears? Sure everything is a bit more fun but uh when it gets weird and crazy then it is really weird and crazy. I think I will pass, Daffy. Sorry.

Kermit "I Even Look Good in a Sailor Outfit" The Frog

Kermit “I Even Look Good in a Sailor Outfit” The Frog

Well who is probably my favorite fictional character? Kermit! Well hell I guess this decision is just done and done. We would sit around eat pizza and joke about Gonzo being blue and Animal being f’ing crazy. It just sounds like a good ole time. We would open up a couple beers and just take it easy. I would do my impression for him and he would of course do his impression of me… wait I am getting a note. “It would have to be baby Kermit.” Balls. Ok. Kermits out.

Garfield "I don't give a crap".... that is it.

Garfield “I don’t give a crap”…. that is it.

Screw this. You know who will chill and eat delicious food with me? Yeah. Garfield. Cats are awesome. He always has lasagna. I don’t see a negative here. All the other cartoons make it complicated. Garfield keeps it simple. Plus, I hear he can totally rage.

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Let Me Share A Goal.

I have been talking about cartoons left and right but I figured I would take a quick break and talk about something I have been encouraged to do as of a few years ago.

At some point I want to have set foot in all 50 states.

Right now I am at about 19. Which I don’t think is entirely awful. Here is the map so far.

19 of the 50

19 of the 50

I created this bad boy using visitedstatesmap.com

I imagine I will knock out the Northeast while I am up here. I think the real hurdle will be Alaska or maybe Delaware.

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The Animations – A Cartoon Fantasy Football Team

I love my sports. After this week you probably know that I love cartoons. Since I moved to NYC I have been missing “my teams” and I can only get so much fantasy football. Seemed like a great time to create a true dream team. Who needs Space Jam? I got cartoons and football!!! What else would anyone need?!

I am joking. Pizza. You gotta have pizza.

Ok so there are a tons of positions I could call out but how about I just draft eleven… OH YOU HAVE AN OPINION?! WELL I ALREADY WROTE THIS BLOG SOOOOOOOO FACED! I don’t know what that means. Please, keep loving me.

1st Pick – Offensive Guard – Jabber Jaw

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Yep! Starting off strong and solidifying my offensive line. Who is going to blitz when I have a 10ft drum playing great white shark protecting my QB? Seriously, you’d be crazy to bring the rush. Yeah, the guy talks like curly from the three stooges in a show that is a blatant rip of Scooby Doo but you wouldn’t mess with him.

2nd Pick – Middle Line Backer – Taz

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Oh, Mikey why aren’t you picking a QB yet??? Umm.. have you seen my first pick? It won’t matter. The QB will have alllllll day. Ok Taz. An obvious pick for middle linebacker. Seriously, if I had to compare a modern football player to Taz it would be Ray Lewis. Only, Taz is crazier and a better dancer. Sorry Ray Ray. I ain’t going across the middle when Taz is out there drooling all over the place.

3rd Pick – Wide Receiver – Shaggy

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The guy is like 6’4, fast as hell and if you tie a scooby snack to that football there isn’t a chance he will let that thing hit the ground. We know he will be a bit scared to run across the middle but he is our deep threat and we know he doesn’t want to be caught.

4th Pick – Tight End – Gossamer

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Ole Red has size, some speed and the guy/monster gets manicures for crying out loud. Watch out Tony G this monSTAR may be the best tight end in the game. Also, he doesn’t talk so you don’t have to worry about him mouthing off. He has had a trouble past but we believe in him.

5th Pick – Defensive End – Fred Flintstone

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Why wouldn’t I have a caveman on my team? Yes, he is big, powerful and strong but the man isn’t called twinkle toes for nothing. He will use his masterful footwork to get at the opposing teams quarterback. It is just a matter of time. Good luck moving this prehistoric beast off the line.

6th Pick – Full Back – Popeye

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When Popeye has his ster—-spinach there is no stopping him. If we need a one yard or 10 yard push I know he has the ability to make that key block.I mean the guy has the arms of some sort of mutant but I am glad he is on our side.

7th Pick – Running Back – Waldo

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Umm how was this not obvious? Who cares about Barry Sanders? Where the hell is Waldo? Let me give you a hint. END. ZONE. BOOM. Try and lay a hand on him… you just have to find him first.

8th Pick – Kick Returner – Speedy Gonzalez

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Speedy is a special teamer all the way. Amazing speed but the guy/mouse can’t really take a hit. Hopefully he will use his ninja like mouse moves to get big points. Granted the football is probably larger than he is so there is that.

9th Pick – Safety – Samurai Jack

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He may not be the most popular cartoon character in the world but there is no other cartoon character I would rather have as my safety other than Samurai Jack. He is cool headed, quick on his feet and just as powerful. Hell he is Troy Palm-olive-oil (sic) without the crazy hair.

10th Pick – Quarterback – Casper

Casper-Friendly-Ghost-3

Quarterback was a difficult pick. I thought about taking Elmer Fudd or Yosemite Sam with earlier picks. They are experts in the shotgun and pistol respectively but I just didn’t think they could cut it. I needed someone to befriend the team while still being able to be elusive. Not only on the field but with the media. Well who would do that better than a ghost? Not just any ghost but the friendliest ghost you know?

11th Pick – Coach – Dexter

Dexter_(Dexter's_Lab)

Typically picks aren’t used on coaches but hell I don’t care. This little ginger is a genius. He is the kind of guy who would write up the annexation of Puerto Rico. Yes. A Little Giants reference. Dexter may have a quick temper but I bet he would look great in a short sleeve hoodie while he holds up the Lombardi trophy.

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Aaahh!!! Real Monsters. Nuff Said.

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Aaahh!! Real Monsters may be one of the first shows that as I watched it as a child my parents just shrugged and didn’t “get” it. They understood why I enjoyed Scooby Doo, The Jetsons and even Pirates of Dark Water. However, once Krumm appeared on screen my parents were out. Weird monster things? You got this one champ.
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Let’s give credit where credit is due. Real Monsters followed three monsters, Ickis, Oblina and Krumm, while they attended a monster school to help them perform scares. Sounds a little familiar, huh? But who is afraid of a little red bunny anyway?
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Now all I can think about is the fact that the monsters used human finger nails as currency. That weird guy in India with the crazy long finger nails would be sooo monster rich. Anyway. Props given. Or respect. Not props. I’m not that cool.

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All The Hunger

Before I go into this blog I should point out that I pulled this inspiration from a RoosterTeeth podcast where Burnie Burns talks about cartoon steaks looking delicious. I must say that bearded genius nailed it.

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I don’t know what it is but cartoons just know how to make food look fantastic. Those animated jerks have set unrealistic expectations for food. Maybe that’s why I have no desire to cook? Because I know it won’t look just like it should in the cartoons! Or I am lazy. I like blaming cartoons and television. I mean it works for bad parents, right?
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The most consistent at setting unrealistic food expectations aka crushing my culinary dreams would have to be The Flintstones. What is this bullshit?! Fred pulls up with family in tow, don’t forget the giant dinosaur in the back seat, and proceeds to order what can only be an order of mastodon ribs. What the hell?! And yes the ribs look delicious! I’d still eat them after they knocked his car over. But! Let me ask you this. Where is that side of ranch I asked for???

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Maybe it was so appetizing because of the gigantic portions or that fact Fred could clear every last speck of meat off the bone. Since that point, at every state fair and renaissance festival I attended includes me getting a turkey leg and trying to do my best Flintstone impression. It always works… If the goal is tears.
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The crown for most delicious looking food in a cartoon goes hands down to the pizza in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. No wonder I am mildly obsessed with pizza now. Mildly. I swear. Ok. Not so mildly. THAT STUFF IS SO GOOD. The only thing that beats the look of the TMNT pizza when the cheese is so hot it is practically sliding off the slice is actual pizza and sometimes that isn’t enough.

Ok. Who’s hungry?

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